the Mediocre Mountain Lady Vultures soccer team had two tragic losses yesterday. by this we mean they lost a game, and also their long-standing coach, Nelly Meansky, who as of press time was in a coma at the local hospital after smelling the locker rooms. rescuers had to wear gas masks in order to rescue the stricken coach, and unfortunately she is not expected to recover fully by the end of soccer season.
Also, they lost in a close match with the Barnstable Boogeyman, who ended the game with their trademark chant 'who's afraid of the boogeymen?' The score was3-2 Barnstable, with the winning goal being scored with 2 minutes left in the game by Trisha Faux-Pas of the Boogeymen. The Vultures, however, fought hard for the ball up until the end, with two goals scored by Product-Placement Patsy, one of the team's star offense players.
in other sports news, the Langley Saxons and the Lenox Millionaires are squaring off for an epic match in the final round of the ongoing Battle Of The WASPs Tournament. the Saxons rose to the final level of competition after defeating the Sussex Suburbanites 5-1.
Friday, October 15, 2010
Saturday, October 2, 2010
meet the deadbeats
this is a fictitious account of a fictitious high school garage band. all characters are meant to be completely fictitious and any resemblance to persons living or dead is a complete accident.apologies to anyone who's in a garage band, this is born out of my jealousy and envy of you.
Further note: i made up the Splat record label. if there actually is a recording company by this name, it's highly coincidential.
MEET THE DEADBEATS
Meet the Deadbeats, the hottest thing to happen to the underground music scene since other bands named after dead stuff. (see the Dead Kennedys) At an average age of 16, this young band is seemingly ambitious and has boundless artistic vision. their music is characterized by the lack of any discernible lyrical meaning, a rhythm section that appears to be PUI (playing under the influence) and their lead singer's heartbreaking declarations that no one understands his desire to convince everyone that he is right. their concerts are often patronized by their classmates, local music scenesters, and legions of fangirls. these concerts often involve the bassist smashing his instrument, much screaming, and crying fangirls. nevertheless, these young luminaries seem destined for fame-they are already signed to the indie record label Splat.
MEMBERS:
Kenny Rebellion-Maracas, tambourine
the younger Rebellion brother (aged 14) was roped into joining the Deadbeats by his older brother and Deadbeats drummer Manny. he seems to be able to keep the beat fairly well.
Manny 'Manly Man' Rebellion-at 15, he was last-chair percussion in the high school band, due to the teacher having a grudge against him. (Manny cited the reason as an incident involving ketchup packets and a dead frog, but insisted he was innocent.) fortunately for him and his musical career, he was unanimously voted to be section leader by the other drummers, who immediately recognized his talents. when the teacher rejected the vote, she was deposed in a bloodless coup led by the clarinetists. now, at 16, Manly Man (his stage name) seems a natural choice for the Deadbeats.
John 'johnny freshmeat' Liedown-Lead Guitars
at 14, Johnny Liedown, a mere freshman, might seem too young to play lead guitars for a band of mostly juniors and seniors. but this prodigy, who has been playing guitar since he was 3 1/2, manages well enough alongside the rest of the band. however, he looks suspiciously like an undead Johnny Ramone. we sense a conspiracy theory here........
Squid Vicious-Lead Vocals, Rhythm Guitar
Squid, at 18, is the eldest member of the band. this punk visionary is rarely seen without his girlfriend Nancy Spongecake. when he can formulate coherent speech onstage, he spits out legendary lyrics about how everyone things his self-centered, but really he is right and everyone else is wrong, and it makes him so sad. we see a bright future for this young punk-rock luminary.
Sutnij Ebberi-bass guitars, backup vocals
Ebberi, aged 17, was a hardcore debate club member, until he decided that he should join a garage band so the girl he lusted after would agree to go out with him. When asked about his groundbreaking playing style, he confessed "i don't really know how to play. i just put my fingers down randomly." he thoroughly denies that his name is an anagram of 'Justin Bieber'.
ALBUMS
Metaphorical Metaphors from Metaphoria (2009, Splat records)
Small Fuzzy Animal Massacre (2009, Splat records)
That's Not What Your Mom Said (2010, Splat records)
footnote: any clever souls catch the Sex Pistols references? hint: there's two of 'em.
further footnote: yes, i do know Sid Vicious was their bassist. yeah, i just gave one away big-time.
Further note: i made up the Splat record label. if there actually is a recording company by this name, it's highly coincidential.
MEET THE DEADBEATS
Meet the Deadbeats, the hottest thing to happen to the underground music scene since other bands named after dead stuff. (see the Dead Kennedys) At an average age of 16, this young band is seemingly ambitious and has boundless artistic vision. their music is characterized by the lack of any discernible lyrical meaning, a rhythm section that appears to be PUI (playing under the influence) and their lead singer's heartbreaking declarations that no one understands his desire to convince everyone that he is right. their concerts are often patronized by their classmates, local music scenesters, and legions of fangirls. these concerts often involve the bassist smashing his instrument, much screaming, and crying fangirls. nevertheless, these young luminaries seem destined for fame-they are already signed to the indie record label Splat.
MEMBERS:
Kenny Rebellion-Maracas, tambourine
the younger Rebellion brother (aged 14) was roped into joining the Deadbeats by his older brother and Deadbeats drummer Manny. he seems to be able to keep the beat fairly well.
Manny 'Manly Man' Rebellion-at 15, he was last-chair percussion in the high school band, due to the teacher having a grudge against him. (Manny cited the reason as an incident involving ketchup packets and a dead frog, but insisted he was innocent.) fortunately for him and his musical career, he was unanimously voted to be section leader by the other drummers, who immediately recognized his talents. when the teacher rejected the vote, she was deposed in a bloodless coup led by the clarinetists. now, at 16, Manly Man (his stage name) seems a natural choice for the Deadbeats.
John 'johnny freshmeat' Liedown-Lead Guitars
at 14, Johnny Liedown, a mere freshman, might seem too young to play lead guitars for a band of mostly juniors and seniors. but this prodigy, who has been playing guitar since he was 3 1/2, manages well enough alongside the rest of the band. however, he looks suspiciously like an undead Johnny Ramone. we sense a conspiracy theory here........
Squid Vicious-Lead Vocals, Rhythm Guitar
Squid, at 18, is the eldest member of the band. this punk visionary is rarely seen without his girlfriend Nancy Spongecake. when he can formulate coherent speech onstage, he spits out legendary lyrics about how everyone things his self-centered, but really he is right and everyone else is wrong, and it makes him so sad. we see a bright future for this young punk-rock luminary.
Sutnij Ebberi-bass guitars, backup vocals
Ebberi, aged 17, was a hardcore debate club member, until he decided that he should join a garage band so the girl he lusted after would agree to go out with him. When asked about his groundbreaking playing style, he confessed "i don't really know how to play. i just put my fingers down randomly." he thoroughly denies that his name is an anagram of 'Justin Bieber'.
ALBUMS
Metaphorical Metaphors from Metaphoria (2009, Splat records)
Small Fuzzy Animal Massacre (2009, Splat records)
That's Not What Your Mom Said (2010, Splat records)
footnote: any clever souls catch the Sex Pistols references? hint: there's two of 'em.
further footnote: yes, i do know Sid Vicious was their bassist. yeah, i just gave one away big-time.
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