the Mediocre Mountain Lady Vultures soccer team had two tragic losses yesterday. by this we mean they lost a game, and also their long-standing coach, Nelly Meansky, who as of press time was in a coma at the local hospital after smelling the locker rooms. rescuers had to wear gas masks in order to rescue the stricken coach, and unfortunately she is not expected to recover fully by the end of soccer season.
Also, they lost in a close match with the Barnstable Boogeyman, who ended the game with their trademark chant 'who's afraid of the boogeymen?' The score was3-2 Barnstable, with the winning goal being scored with 2 minutes left in the game by Trisha Faux-Pas of the Boogeymen. The Vultures, however, fought hard for the ball up until the end, with two goals scored by Product-Placement Patsy, one of the team's star offense players.
in other sports news, the Langley Saxons and the Lenox Millionaires are squaring off for an epic match in the final round of the ongoing Battle Of The WASPs Tournament. the Saxons rose to the final level of competition after defeating the Sussex Suburbanites 5-1.
Friday, October 15, 2010
Saturday, October 2, 2010
meet the deadbeats
this is a fictitious account of a fictitious high school garage band. all characters are meant to be completely fictitious and any resemblance to persons living or dead is a complete accident.apologies to anyone who's in a garage band, this is born out of my jealousy and envy of you.
Further note: i made up the Splat record label. if there actually is a recording company by this name, it's highly coincidential.
MEET THE DEADBEATS
Meet the Deadbeats, the hottest thing to happen to the underground music scene since other bands named after dead stuff. (see the Dead Kennedys) At an average age of 16, this young band is seemingly ambitious and has boundless artistic vision. their music is characterized by the lack of any discernible lyrical meaning, a rhythm section that appears to be PUI (playing under the influence) and their lead singer's heartbreaking declarations that no one understands his desire to convince everyone that he is right. their concerts are often patronized by their classmates, local music scenesters, and legions of fangirls. these concerts often involve the bassist smashing his instrument, much screaming, and crying fangirls. nevertheless, these young luminaries seem destined for fame-they are already signed to the indie record label Splat.
MEMBERS:
Kenny Rebellion-Maracas, tambourine
the younger Rebellion brother (aged 14) was roped into joining the Deadbeats by his older brother and Deadbeats drummer Manny. he seems to be able to keep the beat fairly well.
Manny 'Manly Man' Rebellion-at 15, he was last-chair percussion in the high school band, due to the teacher having a grudge against him. (Manny cited the reason as an incident involving ketchup packets and a dead frog, but insisted he was innocent.) fortunately for him and his musical career, he was unanimously voted to be section leader by the other drummers, who immediately recognized his talents. when the teacher rejected the vote, she was deposed in a bloodless coup led by the clarinetists. now, at 16, Manly Man (his stage name) seems a natural choice for the Deadbeats.
John 'johnny freshmeat' Liedown-Lead Guitars
at 14, Johnny Liedown, a mere freshman, might seem too young to play lead guitars for a band of mostly juniors and seniors. but this prodigy, who has been playing guitar since he was 3 1/2, manages well enough alongside the rest of the band. however, he looks suspiciously like an undead Johnny Ramone. we sense a conspiracy theory here........
Squid Vicious-Lead Vocals, Rhythm Guitar
Squid, at 18, is the eldest member of the band. this punk visionary is rarely seen without his girlfriend Nancy Spongecake. when he can formulate coherent speech onstage, he spits out legendary lyrics about how everyone things his self-centered, but really he is right and everyone else is wrong, and it makes him so sad. we see a bright future for this young punk-rock luminary.
Sutnij Ebberi-bass guitars, backup vocals
Ebberi, aged 17, was a hardcore debate club member, until he decided that he should join a garage band so the girl he lusted after would agree to go out with him. When asked about his groundbreaking playing style, he confessed "i don't really know how to play. i just put my fingers down randomly." he thoroughly denies that his name is an anagram of 'Justin Bieber'.
ALBUMS
Metaphorical Metaphors from Metaphoria (2009, Splat records)
Small Fuzzy Animal Massacre (2009, Splat records)
That's Not What Your Mom Said (2010, Splat records)
footnote: any clever souls catch the Sex Pistols references? hint: there's two of 'em.
further footnote: yes, i do know Sid Vicious was their bassist. yeah, i just gave one away big-time.
Further note: i made up the Splat record label. if there actually is a recording company by this name, it's highly coincidential.
MEET THE DEADBEATS
Meet the Deadbeats, the hottest thing to happen to the underground music scene since other bands named after dead stuff. (see the Dead Kennedys) At an average age of 16, this young band is seemingly ambitious and has boundless artistic vision. their music is characterized by the lack of any discernible lyrical meaning, a rhythm section that appears to be PUI (playing under the influence) and their lead singer's heartbreaking declarations that no one understands his desire to convince everyone that he is right. their concerts are often patronized by their classmates, local music scenesters, and legions of fangirls. these concerts often involve the bassist smashing his instrument, much screaming, and crying fangirls. nevertheless, these young luminaries seem destined for fame-they are already signed to the indie record label Splat.
MEMBERS:
Kenny Rebellion-Maracas, tambourine
the younger Rebellion brother (aged 14) was roped into joining the Deadbeats by his older brother and Deadbeats drummer Manny. he seems to be able to keep the beat fairly well.
Manny 'Manly Man' Rebellion-at 15, he was last-chair percussion in the high school band, due to the teacher having a grudge against him. (Manny cited the reason as an incident involving ketchup packets and a dead frog, but insisted he was innocent.) fortunately for him and his musical career, he was unanimously voted to be section leader by the other drummers, who immediately recognized his talents. when the teacher rejected the vote, she was deposed in a bloodless coup led by the clarinetists. now, at 16, Manly Man (his stage name) seems a natural choice for the Deadbeats.
John 'johnny freshmeat' Liedown-Lead Guitars
at 14, Johnny Liedown, a mere freshman, might seem too young to play lead guitars for a band of mostly juniors and seniors. but this prodigy, who has been playing guitar since he was 3 1/2, manages well enough alongside the rest of the band. however, he looks suspiciously like an undead Johnny Ramone. we sense a conspiracy theory here........
Squid Vicious-Lead Vocals, Rhythm Guitar
Squid, at 18, is the eldest member of the band. this punk visionary is rarely seen without his girlfriend Nancy Spongecake. when he can formulate coherent speech onstage, he spits out legendary lyrics about how everyone things his self-centered, but really he is right and everyone else is wrong, and it makes him so sad. we see a bright future for this young punk-rock luminary.
Sutnij Ebberi-bass guitars, backup vocals
Ebberi, aged 17, was a hardcore debate club member, until he decided that he should join a garage band so the girl he lusted after would agree to go out with him. When asked about his groundbreaking playing style, he confessed "i don't really know how to play. i just put my fingers down randomly." he thoroughly denies that his name is an anagram of 'Justin Bieber'.
ALBUMS
Metaphorical Metaphors from Metaphoria (2009, Splat records)
Small Fuzzy Animal Massacre (2009, Splat records)
That's Not What Your Mom Said (2010, Splat records)
footnote: any clever souls catch the Sex Pistols references? hint: there's two of 'em.
further footnote: yes, i do know Sid Vicious was their bassist. yeah, i just gave one away big-time.
Tuesday, September 21, 2010
paper trail
here's some random stuff that happens in the lives of our teenaged heroes. remember folks: be careful out there-it's only teenage wasteland!
SCHOOL SCHEDULE...............Josh McWhiteboy
CLASS ROOM INSTRUCTOR CREDITS
Auto Shop II....................................auto shop.........McQueen L...............1.3354545
How To Seduce Freshman Girls.......0001...............a sketchy-ass senior....1,000,000
Honors Outtro to Physics.................260.................Newton, I. ..................1.0
Lunch...............................................caf..................Yum, O........................0.5
Spanish Pick-Up Lines 101..............124..............Tequila, S. .......................1.0
It Ain't Rocket Science, Kid..............203.............that's SIR to you!...............0.5, if ya pass
Gym................................................Gym.................Jim..................................J1m
PROJECTED CREDITS: 2X+3(5Y)=-YX+4/9Y
LUNCH MENU: week of September 25, 2010
MONDAY: grilled roadkill frog
matress springs with gravy
vegetable matter
fruit+veggie bar
TUESDAY: greaseburger
"fries"
fruit+veggie bar
WEDNESDAY: eat yer meat and drink yer milk, kids!
THURSDAY: grade 'D' beef patty with eraser shavings
preservative soup
corn syrup
FRIDAY: protein bar
vitamin pills
sports drink
assorted imitation fruits and vegetables
SATURDAY: haha, fooled ya kids!
HOMEWORK LOG: DOOR, MATT S. -Grade 9
BIO: discover cure for cancer
ENGLISH: write Great American Novel. preferably on paper, not on the bathroom walls.
SPANISH: translate your 3 favorite swears into spanish using a spanish-english dictionary, then insult someone in spanish.
GYM: git some gym clothes, kid! git some proper sneakers!
AGRICULTURE: grow a giant beanstalk that reaches to the sky. climb (also applies for extra credit in gym). beware of giant.
ALGEBRA: X2-4y!?!?:$%&$&^=J=J?$%Y6!!!! #h-8/y
SOCIAL STUDIES: using the principles we studied in class, plot a violent takeover of your town, village, or city. for extra credit, carry out plan.
LUNCH: pack it. seriously. unless you want to eat cafeteria slop.
so, there's the 'paper trail' our beloved characters have left us THIS week! next up: Matt Door goes to detention, and a sports write-up of Patsy's soccer game!
SCHOOL SCHEDULE...............Josh McWhiteboy
CLASS ROOM INSTRUCTOR CREDITS
Auto Shop II....................................auto shop.........McQueen L...............1.3354545
How To Seduce Freshman Girls.......0001...............a sketchy-ass senior....1,000,000
Honors Outtro to Physics.................260.................Newton, I. ..................1.0
Lunch...............................................caf..................Yum, O........................0.5
Spanish Pick-Up Lines 101..............124..............Tequila, S. .......................1.0
It Ain't Rocket Science, Kid..............203.............that's SIR to you!...............0.5, if ya pass
Gym................................................Gym.................Jim..................................J1m
PROJECTED CREDITS: 2X+3(5Y)=-YX+4/9Y
LUNCH MENU: week of September 25, 2010
MONDAY: grilled roadkill frog
matress springs with gravy
vegetable matter
fruit+veggie bar
TUESDAY: greaseburger
"fries"
fruit+veggie bar
WEDNESDAY: eat yer meat and drink yer milk, kids!
THURSDAY: grade 'D' beef patty with eraser shavings
preservative soup
corn syrup
FRIDAY: protein bar
vitamin pills
sports drink
assorted imitation fruits and vegetables
SATURDAY: haha, fooled ya kids!
HOMEWORK LOG: DOOR, MATT S. -Grade 9
BIO: discover cure for cancer
ENGLISH: write Great American Novel. preferably on paper, not on the bathroom walls.
SPANISH: translate your 3 favorite swears into spanish using a spanish-english dictionary, then insult someone in spanish.
GYM: git some gym clothes, kid! git some proper sneakers!
AGRICULTURE: grow a giant beanstalk that reaches to the sky. climb (also applies for extra credit in gym). beware of giant.
ALGEBRA: X2-4y!?!?:$%&$&^=J=J?$%Y6!!!! #h-8/y
SOCIAL STUDIES: using the principles we studied in class, plot a violent takeover of your town, village, or city. for extra credit, carry out plan.
LUNCH: pack it. seriously. unless you want to eat cafeteria slop.
so, there's the 'paper trail' our beloved characters have left us THIS week! next up: Matt Door goes to detention, and a sports write-up of Patsy's soccer game!
Sunday, September 19, 2010
'so i took a big chance at the high school dance.....'
so i took a big chance at the high school dance, with a lady who was ready to play......
-Run-DMC/Aerosmith, Walk This Way
NOTE:THIS IS A FICTITIOUS ACCOUNT. ANY RESEMBLANCE OF CHARACTERS TO REAL-LIFE PEOPLE IS COMPLETELY ACCIDENTAL. THIS IS COMPLETELY MADE UP, BUT SADLY BASED ON EXPERIENCES OF REAL LIFE.
walk this way, talk this way! in this post, Josh McWhiteboy makes his second appearance.......and this time, he's trying to grind with innocent freshman girls at a high school dance! shame, josh! but after all, what can you expect...he's a horny teenage boy.
also appearing are 2 new characters, Kenny Rebellion and Georgie Wasp. they're freshmen at the high school, so of course they psend much of their academic careers wandering cluelessly and terrified around the mazelike halls or running away form sophomores who wish to devour them. fortunately, our fine, upstanding friend Josh McWhiteboy is there to show them the ropes.......
so ,the first thing you do, before you show up to the dance, is get drunk...according to Josh. josh helpfully nicked a 6-pack of bud light off his father, in order to aid Kenny and Georgie in their quest to fully enjoy the dance. between the three of them they finished it off......although kenny may have snekaily poured most of his on the ground. fortunately, two cans of beer was only enough to get Josh slightly tipsy, so the unfortunate trio made it to the dance intact.
the assistant principal, mr. Skywalker, greeted them at the front door. he was there, he explained, to bust couples who snuck off to their cars to have sex. 'think of it like i am your father, luke. you won't be able to pull anything with me around', he said. 'my name's not luke!' thought Josh. this was not the first time Mr. Skywalker had made this mistake.
in the cafeteria, everything was pitch dark. people were throwing glitter, screeching, drinking what could have been spiked Gatorade but was probably just osmthing from the vending machine, and doing what could be described as 'dancing' to the loud hip-hop that boomed from the speaker towers in the corner. the middle-aged DJ was squinting into the light show and scratching his neck below his scraggly ponytail.
'c'mon', said josh, 'i'll find you some girls to dance with.' 'but it's a fast song!' confusedly exclaimed Kenny.
' oh, not dance how you're thinking,' said Josh. 'watch and learn'. he sidled up behind a blonde junior who was shaking her hips to the music, put his hands on her waist, and started grinding with her. Kenny and Georgie gaped with amazement. then josh walked back over to them, the returning hero. this particular innovation in the world of dancing was a revelation to the two freshman, and they thought they had died and gone to horny boy heaven. they set off to try it at once.
an hour later, they both met up with Josh again. Kenny had a large, prurple bruise on his cheek. 'what happened?' asked Georgie. 'i tried grind with this girl and she smacked me in the face,' said Kenny. 'what a pussy!' exclaimed Josh. this seemed to be his favorite phrase.
suddenly rat-ponytail-dj-man started playing a Lady GooGoo song. Georgie and Kenny decided to step outside. they almost crashed straight into a couple who were french kissing. Georgie was pretty sure the boy had his hand up the girl's shirt. the shell-shocked boys raced across the room to the other exit. within seconds of their exiting this door, however, the ferocious, redfaced janitor seemed to appear out of thin air. 'YOU KIDS ARE SNEAKING OUT HERE TO SMOKE MAR-EY-JA-WANNA, ARENTCHA? WELL NO KIDS IN MY SCHOOL IS GONNA BE SMOKIN MAR-EY-JA-WANNA ON DIS HERE SCHOOL PROPERTY!' the terrified boys speedwalked away and spent the rest of the night cowering in the corner, trying to avoid the petrifying gaze of the malevolent sophomores.
later that night, Josh McWhiteboy walked up to them in a foul mood. 'Patsy caught me grinding with some freshman girl,' he moaned. 'shit!' exclaimed Georgie. 'let's go', said kenny. 'yeah,' agreed georgie, wholeheartedly. josh angrily stomped out to his car, got in, and started it up. the boys hopped in the back. he dropped them at the end of their street, and drove home muttering malevolently. Product Placement Patsy was sure to break up with him now. shit.
meanwhile, Georgie and Kenny walked up their street, talking about the dance. 'it was mad amazing', said Kenny. 'Yeah', said Georgie. 'now let's go experiment with some controlled substances.'
THE END
-Run-DMC/Aerosmith, Walk This Way
NOTE:THIS IS A FICTITIOUS ACCOUNT. ANY RESEMBLANCE OF CHARACTERS TO REAL-LIFE PEOPLE IS COMPLETELY ACCIDENTAL. THIS IS COMPLETELY MADE UP, BUT SADLY BASED ON EXPERIENCES OF REAL LIFE.
walk this way, talk this way! in this post, Josh McWhiteboy makes his second appearance.......and this time, he's trying to grind with innocent freshman girls at a high school dance! shame, josh! but after all, what can you expect...he's a horny teenage boy.
also appearing are 2 new characters, Kenny Rebellion and Georgie Wasp. they're freshmen at the high school, so of course they psend much of their academic careers wandering cluelessly and terrified around the mazelike halls or running away form sophomores who wish to devour them. fortunately, our fine, upstanding friend Josh McWhiteboy is there to show them the ropes.......
so ,the first thing you do, before you show up to the dance, is get drunk...according to Josh. josh helpfully nicked a 6-pack of bud light off his father, in order to aid Kenny and Georgie in their quest to fully enjoy the dance. between the three of them they finished it off......although kenny may have snekaily poured most of his on the ground. fortunately, two cans of beer was only enough to get Josh slightly tipsy, so the unfortunate trio made it to the dance intact.
the assistant principal, mr. Skywalker, greeted them at the front door. he was there, he explained, to bust couples who snuck off to their cars to have sex. 'think of it like i am your father, luke. you won't be able to pull anything with me around', he said. 'my name's not luke!' thought Josh. this was not the first time Mr. Skywalker had made this mistake.
in the cafeteria, everything was pitch dark. people were throwing glitter, screeching, drinking what could have been spiked Gatorade but was probably just osmthing from the vending machine, and doing what could be described as 'dancing' to the loud hip-hop that boomed from the speaker towers in the corner. the middle-aged DJ was squinting into the light show and scratching his neck below his scraggly ponytail.
'c'mon', said josh, 'i'll find you some girls to dance with.' 'but it's a fast song!' confusedly exclaimed Kenny.
' oh, not dance how you're thinking,' said Josh. 'watch and learn'. he sidled up behind a blonde junior who was shaking her hips to the music, put his hands on her waist, and started grinding with her. Kenny and Georgie gaped with amazement. then josh walked back over to them, the returning hero. this particular innovation in the world of dancing was a revelation to the two freshman, and they thought they had died and gone to horny boy heaven. they set off to try it at once.
an hour later, they both met up with Josh again. Kenny had a large, prurple bruise on his cheek. 'what happened?' asked Georgie. 'i tried grind with this girl and she smacked me in the face,' said Kenny. 'what a pussy!' exclaimed Josh. this seemed to be his favorite phrase.
suddenly rat-ponytail-dj-man started playing a Lady GooGoo song. Georgie and Kenny decided to step outside. they almost crashed straight into a couple who were french kissing. Georgie was pretty sure the boy had his hand up the girl's shirt. the shell-shocked boys raced across the room to the other exit. within seconds of their exiting this door, however, the ferocious, redfaced janitor seemed to appear out of thin air. 'YOU KIDS ARE SNEAKING OUT HERE TO SMOKE MAR-EY-JA-WANNA, ARENTCHA? WELL NO KIDS IN MY SCHOOL IS GONNA BE SMOKIN MAR-EY-JA-WANNA ON DIS HERE SCHOOL PROPERTY!' the terrified boys speedwalked away and spent the rest of the night cowering in the corner, trying to avoid the petrifying gaze of the malevolent sophomores.
later that night, Josh McWhiteboy walked up to them in a foul mood. 'Patsy caught me grinding with some freshman girl,' he moaned. 'shit!' exclaimed Georgie. 'let's go', said kenny. 'yeah,' agreed georgie, wholeheartedly. josh angrily stomped out to his car, got in, and started it up. the boys hopped in the back. he dropped them at the end of their street, and drove home muttering malevolently. Product Placement Patsy was sure to break up with him now. shit.
meanwhile, Georgie and Kenny walked up their street, talking about the dance. 'it was mad amazing', said Kenny. 'Yeah', said Georgie. 'now let's go experiment with some controlled substances.'
THE END
Wednesday, September 8, 2010
smells like teen spirit....or did i just forget to wash my soccer stuff again?
soooo, devoted readers, (all 2 of you) it may interest you to know that i have now entered the hallowed halls of highschool. (and promptly gotten lost, sat on gum, and many other escapades.) i have also joined the JV soccer team. and, i can now HEARTILY assure you, soccer has taken over my life! before soccer, i spent much of my spare time turning out writing, bitching and moaning, drawing, bad poetry, and bad songs, and/or noodling around on my guitar. now, i have almost no free time, and what little i do is spent reading because i'm always, always tired. here is my schedule:
WAKE UP (6:30 am)
BREAKFAST
GET DRESSED
GET ON BUS
CLASSES
LUNCH (11:35 am)
MORE CLASSES
GET CHANGED FOR SOCCER
SNACK
SOCCER PRACTICE (or game)
GO HOME
DINNER
SOME RANDOM THING EATEN AFTER DINNER, usually dessert
PACK LUNCH
DO HOMEWORK
PACK BACKPACK
READ A LITTLE
SHOWER
DROP INTO BED EXHAUSTED
SLEEP (10:00 pm)
NIGHTMARES (10:01 pm-6:30 am the next day)
START ALL THIS SHIT OVER AGAIN
sorry about the bitching and moaning, my blog skills are a bit rusty. will post again, as soon as i get my feet under me.
WAKE UP (6:30 am)
BREAKFAST
GET DRESSED
GET ON BUS
CLASSES
LUNCH (11:35 am)
MORE CLASSES
GET CHANGED FOR SOCCER
SNACK
SOCCER PRACTICE (or game)
GO HOME
DINNER
SOME RANDOM THING EATEN AFTER DINNER, usually dessert
PACK LUNCH
DO HOMEWORK
PACK BACKPACK
READ A LITTLE
SHOWER
DROP INTO BED EXHAUSTED
SLEEP (10:00 pm)
NIGHTMARES (10:01 pm-6:30 am the next day)
START ALL THIS SHIT OVER AGAIN
sorry about the bitching and moaning, my blog skills are a bit rusty. will post again, as soon as i get my feet under me.
Sunday, August 29, 2010
the Chalk Art movement
pretty magnificent, huh?
Thursday, August 26, 2010
re:horribly blogged down!
i am HORRIBLY BLOGGED DOWN IN END-OF-SUMMER DOLDRUMS, and terrifiedly dreading the end of summer vacation and the start of freshman year. so, i am challenging a fellow blogger and cooking enthusiast, Stephanie Higgins, to a cooking contest. i've done several cooking contests before, but most of them have been with my cousin Hana. it's been pretty brilliant. the rules are as follows:
1. each contestant must create 5 dishes (appetizers, soup, salad, main dish, dessert) from scratch and present them to the judges.
2. points are awarded for plating (how the dish looks) taste, and creativity.
3. a secret ingredient will be decided upon by both chefs, and both will use the same secret ingredient.
4. judging will be carried out by a neutral party.
UNWRITTEN RULES:
5. using store-bought fresh pasta is unfair.
6. using more than 2 sticks of butter constitues cheating. same with excessive use of bacon. winning over judges by virtue of grease is no fair.
7. also prohibited is the use of wine to inebriate the judges before they taste the contestants' entries.
8. following recipes to the letter for everything is kinda frowned upon and may result in glaring.
here's hoping that Stephanie will accept my challenge, and the resulting competition will provide material for further blogging! signing off now.
(cheesy salute)
1. each contestant must create 5 dishes (appetizers, soup, salad, main dish, dessert) from scratch and present them to the judges.
2. points are awarded for plating (how the dish looks) taste, and creativity.
3. a secret ingredient will be decided upon by both chefs, and both will use the same secret ingredient.
4. judging will be carried out by a neutral party.
UNWRITTEN RULES:
5. using store-bought fresh pasta is unfair.
6. using more than 2 sticks of butter constitues cheating. same with excessive use of bacon. winning over judges by virtue of grease is no fair.
7. also prohibited is the use of wine to inebriate the judges before they taste the contestants' entries.
8. following recipes to the letter for everything is kinda frowned upon and may result in glaring.
here's hoping that Stephanie will accept my challenge, and the resulting competition will provide material for further blogging! signing off now.
(cheesy salute)
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