the Mediocre Mountain Fighting Vultures have another Amazing Loss

the Mediocre Mountain Lady Vultures soccer team had two tragic losses yesterday. by this we mean they lost a game, and also their long-standing coach, Nelly Meansky, who as of press time was in a coma at the local hospital after smelling the locker rooms. rescuers had to wear gas masks in order to rescue the stricken coach, and unfortunately she is not expected to recover fully by the end of soccer season.
Also, they lost in a close match with the Barnstable Boogeyman, who ended the game with their trademark chant 'who's afraid of the boogeymen?' The score was3-2 Barnstable, with the winning goal being scored with 2 minutes left in the game by Trisha Faux-Pas of the Boogeymen. The Vultures, however, fought hard for the ball up until the end, with two goals scored by Product-Placement Patsy, one of the team's star offense players.

in other sports news, the Langley Saxons and the Lenox Millionaires are squaring off for an epic match in the final round of the ongoing Battle Of The WASPs Tournament. the Saxons rose to the final level of competition after defeating the Sussex Suburbanites 5-1.

meet the deadbeats

this is a fictitious account of a fictitious high school garage band. all characters are meant to be completely fictitious and any resemblance to persons living or dead is a complete accident.apologies to anyone who's in a garage band, this is born out of my jealousy and envy of you.
Further note: i made up the Splat record label. if there actually is a recording company by this name, it's highly coincidential.

MEET THE DEADBEATS
Meet the Deadbeats, the hottest thing to happen to the underground music scene since other bands named after dead stuff. (see the Dead Kennedys) At an average age of 16, this young band is seemingly ambitious and has boundless artistic vision. their music is characterized by the lack of any discernible lyrical meaning, a rhythm section that appears to be PUI (playing under the influence) and their lead singer's heartbreaking declarations that no one understands his desire to convince everyone that he is right. their concerts are often patronized by their classmates, local music scenesters, and legions of fangirls. these concerts often involve the bassist smashing his instrument, much screaming, and crying fangirls. nevertheless, these young luminaries seem destined for fame-they are already signed to the indie record label Splat.
MEMBERS:
Kenny Rebellion-Maracas, tambourine
the younger Rebellion brother (aged 14) was roped into joining the Deadbeats by his older brother and Deadbeats drummer Manny. he seems to be able to keep the beat fairly well.
Manny 'Manly Man' Rebellion-at 15, he was last-chair percussion in the high school band, due to the teacher having a grudge against him. (Manny cited the reason as  an incident involving ketchup packets and a dead frog, but insisted he was innocent.) fortunately for him and his musical career, he was unanimously voted to be section leader by the other drummers, who immediately recognized his talents. when the teacher rejected the vote, she was deposed in a bloodless coup led by the clarinetists. now, at 16, Manly Man (his stage name) seems a natural choice for the Deadbeats.
John 'johnny freshmeat' Liedown-Lead Guitars
at 14, Johnny Liedown, a mere freshman, might seem too young to play lead guitars for a band of mostly juniors and seniors. but this prodigy, who has been playing guitar since he was 3 1/2, manages well enough alongside the rest of the band. however, he looks suspiciously like an undead Johnny Ramone. we sense a conspiracy theory here........
Squid Vicious-Lead Vocals, Rhythm Guitar
Squid, at 18, is the eldest member of the band. this punk visionary is rarely seen without his girlfriend Nancy Spongecake. when he can formulate coherent speech onstage, he spits out legendary lyrics about how everyone things his self-centered, but really he is right and everyone else is wrong, and it makes him so sad. we see a bright future for this young punk-rock luminary.
Sutnij Ebberi-bass guitars, backup vocals
Ebberi, aged 17, was a hardcore debate club member, until he decided that he should join a garage band so the girl he lusted after would agree to go out with him. When asked about his groundbreaking playing style, he confessed "i don't really know how to play. i just put my fingers down randomly." he thoroughly denies that his name is an anagram of 'Justin Bieber'.

ALBUMS
Metaphorical Metaphors from Metaphoria (2009, Splat records)
Small Fuzzy Animal Massacre (2009, Splat records)
That's Not What Your Mom Said (2010, Splat records)



footnote: any clever souls catch the Sex Pistols references? hint: there's two of 'em.

further footnote: yes, i do know Sid Vicious was their bassist. yeah, i just gave one away big-time.

paper trail

here's some random stuff that happens in the lives of our teenaged heroes. remember folks: be careful out there-it's only teenage wasteland!



SCHOOL SCHEDULE...............Josh McWhiteboy
CLASS                                           ROOM               INSTRUCTOR      CREDITS
Auto Shop II....................................auto shop.........McQueen L...............1.3354545
How To Seduce Freshman Girls.......0001...............a sketchy-ass senior....1,000,000
Honors Outtro to Physics.................260.................Newton, I. ..................1.0
Lunch...............................................caf..................Yum, O........................0.5
Spanish Pick-Up Lines 101..............124..............Tequila, S. .......................1.0
It Ain't Rocket Science, Kid..............203.............that's SIR to you!...............0.5, if ya pass
Gym................................................Gym.................Jim..................................J1m
PROJECTED CREDITS: 2X+3(5Y)=-YX+4/9Y




LUNCH MENU: week of September 25, 2010

MONDAY: grilled roadkill frog
                   matress springs with gravy
                 vegetable matter
                 fruit+veggie bar

TUESDAY: greaseburger
                  "fries"
                  fruit+veggie bar

WEDNESDAY: eat yer meat and drink yer milk, kids!

THURSDAY: grade 'D' beef patty with eraser shavings
                  preservative soup
                    corn syrup

FRIDAY: protein bar
                vitamin pills
               sports drink
               assorted imitation fruits and vegetables
SATURDAY: haha, fooled ya kids!





HOMEWORK LOG: DOOR, MATT S. -Grade 9

BIO: discover cure for cancer
ENGLISH: write Great American Novel. preferably on paper, not on the bathroom walls.
SPANISH: translate your 3 favorite swears into spanish using a spanish-english dictionary, then insult someone in spanish.
GYM:  git some gym clothes, kid! git some proper sneakers!
AGRICULTURE: grow a giant beanstalk that reaches to the sky. climb (also applies for extra credit in gym). beware of giant.
ALGEBRA: X2-4y!?!?:$%&$&^=J=J?$%Y6!!!! #h-8/y
SOCIAL STUDIES: using the principles we studied in class, plot  a violent takeover of your town, village, or city. for extra credit, carry out plan.
LUNCH: pack it. seriously. unless you want to eat cafeteria slop.



so, there's the 'paper trail' our beloved characters have left us THIS week! next up: Matt Door goes to detention, and a sports write-up of Patsy's soccer game!

'so i took a big chance at the high school dance.....'

so i took a big chance at the high school dance, with a lady who was ready to play......
 -Run-DMC/Aerosmith, Walk This Way

NOTE:THIS IS A FICTITIOUS ACCOUNT. ANY RESEMBLANCE OF CHARACTERS TO REAL-LIFE PEOPLE IS COMPLETELY ACCIDENTAL. THIS IS COMPLETELY MADE UP, BUT SADLY BASED ON EXPERIENCES OF REAL LIFE.

walk this way, talk this way! in this post, Josh McWhiteboy makes his second appearance.......and this time, he's trying to grind with innocent freshman girls at a high school dance! shame, josh! but after all, what can you expect...he's a horny teenage boy.
also appearing are 2 new characters, Kenny Rebellion and Georgie Wasp.  they're freshmen at the high school, so of course they psend much of their academic careers wandering cluelessly and terrified around the mazelike halls or running away form sophomores who wish to devour them. fortunately, our fine, upstanding friend Josh McWhiteboy is there to show them the ropes.......
so ,the first thing you do, before you show up to the dance, is get drunk...according to Josh. josh helpfully nicked a 6-pack of bud light off his father, in order to aid Kenny and Georgie in their quest to fully enjoy the dance. between the three of them they finished it off......although kenny may have snekaily poured most of his on the ground. fortunately, two cans of beer was only enough to get Josh slightly tipsy, so the unfortunate trio made it to the dance intact.
the assistant principal, mr. Skywalker, greeted them at the front door. he was there, he explained, to bust couples who snuck off to their cars to have sex. 'think of it like i am your father, luke. you won't be able to pull anything with me around', he said. 'my name's not luke!' thought Josh. this was not the first time Mr. Skywalker had made this mistake.
in the cafeteria, everything was pitch dark. people were throwing glitter, screeching, drinking what could have been spiked Gatorade but was probably just osmthing from the vending machine, and doing what could be described as 'dancing' to the loud hip-hop that boomed from the speaker towers in the corner. the middle-aged DJ was squinting into the light show and scratching his neck below his scraggly ponytail.
'c'mon', said josh, 'i'll find you some girls to dance with.' 'but it's a fast song!' confusedly exclaimed Kenny.
' oh, not dance how you're thinking,' said Josh. 'watch and learn'. he sidled up behind a blonde junior who was shaking her hips to the music, put his hands on her waist, and started grinding with her. Kenny and Georgie gaped with amazement. then josh walked back over to them, the returning hero. this particular innovation in the world of dancing was a revelation to the two freshman, and they thought they had died and gone to horny boy heaven. they set off to try it at once.
an hour later, they both met up with Josh again. Kenny had a large, prurple bruise on his cheek. 'what happened?' asked Georgie. 'i tried grind with this girl and she smacked me in the face,' said Kenny. 'what a  pussy!' exclaimed Josh. this seemed to be his favorite phrase.
suddenly rat-ponytail-dj-man started playing a Lady GooGoo song. Georgie and Kenny decided to step outside. they almost crashed straight into a couple who were french kissing. Georgie was pretty sure the boy had his hand up the girl's shirt. the shell-shocked boys raced across the room to the other exit. within seconds of their exiting this door, however, the ferocious, redfaced janitor seemed to appear out of thin air. 'YOU KIDS ARE SNEAKING OUT HERE TO SMOKE MAR-EY-JA-WANNA, ARENTCHA? WELL NO KIDS IN MY SCHOOL IS GONNA BE SMOKIN MAR-EY-JA-WANNA ON DIS HERE SCHOOL PROPERTY!' the terrified boys speedwalked away and spent the rest of the night cowering in the corner, trying to avoid the petrifying gaze of the malevolent sophomores.
later that night, Josh McWhiteboy walked up to them in a foul mood. 'Patsy caught me grinding with some freshman girl,' he moaned. 'shit!' exclaimed Georgie. 'let's go', said kenny. 'yeah,' agreed georgie, wholeheartedly. josh angrily stomped out to his car, got in, and started it up. the boys hopped in the back. he dropped them at the end of their street, and drove home muttering malevolently. Product Placement Patsy was sure to break up with him now. shit.
meanwhile, Georgie and Kenny walked up their street, talking about the dance. 'it was mad amazing', said Kenny. 'Yeah', said Georgie. 'now let's go experiment with some controlled substances.'

THE END

smells like teen spirit....or did i just forget to wash my soccer stuff again?

soooo, devoted readers, (all 2 of you) it may interest you to know that i have now entered the hallowed halls of highschool. (and promptly gotten lost, sat on gum, and many other escapades.) i have also joined the JV soccer team. and, i can now HEARTILY assure you, soccer has taken over my life! before soccer, i spent much of my spare time turning out  writing, bitching and moaning, drawing, bad poetry, and bad songs, and/or noodling around on my guitar. now, i have almost no free time, and what little i do is spent reading because i'm always, always tired. here is my schedule:
WAKE UP (6:30 am)
BREAKFAST
GET DRESSED
GET ON BUS
CLASSES
LUNCH (11:35 am)
MORE CLASSES
GET CHANGED FOR SOCCER
SNACK
SOCCER PRACTICE (or game)
GO HOME
DINNER
SOME RANDOM THING EATEN AFTER DINNER, usually dessert
PACK LUNCH
DO HOMEWORK
PACK BACKPACK
READ A LITTLE
SHOWER
DROP INTO BED EXHAUSTED
SLEEP (10:00 pm)
NIGHTMARES (10:01 pm-6:30 am the next day)
START ALL THIS SHIT OVER AGAIN


sorry about the bitching and moaning, my blog skills are a bit rusty. will post again, as soon as i get my feet under me.

the Chalk Art movement

well, some people apparently saw the Chalk Box Heroes' chalk art in town (see post #4) and decided to create some of their own. i feel so proud, as if i've started a new art movement! but enough egocentrism- here's their chalk art!

pretty magnificent, huh?

re:horribly blogged down!

i am HORRIBLY BLOGGED DOWN IN END-OF-SUMMER DOLDRUMS, and terrifiedly dreading the end of summer vacation and the start of freshman year. so, i am challenging a fellow blogger and cooking enthusiast, Stephanie Higgins, to a cooking contest. i've done several cooking contests before, but most of them have been with my cousin Hana. it's been pretty brilliant. the rules are as follows:

1. each contestant must create 5 dishes (appetizers, soup, salad, main dish, dessert) from scratch and present them to the judges.
2. points are awarded for plating (how the dish looks) taste, and creativity.
3. a secret ingredient will be decided upon by both chefs, and both will use the same secret ingredient.
4. judging will be carried out by a neutral party.
UNWRITTEN RULES:
5. using store-bought fresh pasta is unfair.
6. using more than 2 sticks of butter constitues cheating. same with excessive use of bacon. winning over judges by virtue of grease is no fair.
7. also prohibited is the use of wine to inebriate the judges before they taste the contestants' entries.
8. following recipes to the letter for everything is kinda frowned upon and may result in glaring.

here's hoping that Stephanie will accept my challenge, and the resulting competition will provide material for further blogging! signing off now.
(cheesy salute)

time to write about other people. think positive. MUST THINK POSITIVE!

i open this blog post today by telling you that i will attempt to write aobut ANOTHER PERSON (gasp) WITHOUT being NEGATIVE! (gasp!)
since my right brain appears to be atrophying and crumbling like a Starbucks scone (as evidenced by the way my head slumps noticeably to the left) i have decided i will try to save it by writing about something that is not
A.) me
B.) negative
C.) someone else's ex girlfriend.
after contemplating who i would write on without sounding negative, i determined this strenous thinknig was having even more of a deletrious effect on my poor right brain. so, i am sorry, folks. (all 2 of you who read my blog.) here is yet more stuff about me. i must get hana to post.....if she isn't off filming hobbits or generally being an artistic genius.

spekaing of Hana: we decided to be extra artsy this summer. about half of the productive things we did during vacation happened at night, and surprised either A. citizens of our hometown, or
B. our friends on Facebook.
speaking of Facebook, our best project was a tribute to Pop art, using a can of Campbell's tomato soup we purchased at the local Hannaford. many pictures were taken of the can of soup, using it as a focal point for many unexpected and soupy situations (rather than silkscreen the same image repeatedly to form a collage.)
this series was originally shot with a banana (see the cover of the Velvet Underground's album Andy Warhol) but Hana managed to expose half the roll of film whne taking it out of the camera, effectively wrecking it. (otherwise she was a brilliant photographer.)

the next rebellious public-art project we undertook was chalk drawings on the town green. we drew a man sword-fighting a giant lobster, surrounded by rainbow stone tiles, on an area of walkway with a round sotne circle in the center. we were watched the whole time by enthralled tourists and other assorted bystanders, onlookers, and gawkers. unfortunately, when we came back to check on it later, someone had mysteriously erased both man and lobster. we don't know for sure, but we suspect it was the police, attempting to clean up our 'vandalism'.

c'est magnifique, non?

et fin.

signing off now, Lia

Product Placement Patsy

this is my (lia's) take on a day in the life of an over-commercialized, WASP-y, but perfectly content All-American Girl. enjoy. 

Hello my name is Product-Placement Patsy! i bought into commercialism and mass-marketing and now i am the ideal, happy, all-american girl! i am 5’5”, weigh 110, and have perfect skin, a perfect tan, perfect white teeth, a gorgeous face, long wavy thick hair that never frizzes, and  fit into size 2 jeans. i also have a wonderful, loving, happy middle class family, and i manage to never get drunk, do drugs, tag walls with spry paint, have one-night stands with random sleazy older guys, have sex with my boyfriend in the back of his car, fail high school class, or have to take any sort of therapy or antidepressants! and no matter what i eat, i never get fat. nevertheless, i eat mostly lean chicken or turkey, fruits and veggies, skim milk, and whole grains, and i never eat breakfast.  i am super-popular and have a million friends, but my three best friends are named Sara, Alicia, and Ashley. i spend ALL my time with them, when i am not spending time with my family, babysitting, volunteering at the animal shelter, playing on the soccer team, or going on dates with my boyfriend, Josh McWhiteboy. we recently went to a Kanye West concert. He loves Kanye. later, we were making out in his car and he said he wanted to have sex with me, but i told him i was saving myself for marriage. it’s ok, i will stay with him anyway, even though he is a horny teenage boy. he is very hot, and we work out together at the gym sometimes. anyway, more about my girl besties. we love going shopping at the mall together. our favorite store is Victoria’s Secret. (shh!) our other fave thing to do is hang on the beach and work on our tans! sometimes when we are feeling adventurous we go for sushi.  here’s what a day in my life looks like:

7:00 AM: wake up to radio alarm clock blasting Taylor Swift.

7:05 AM: shower, use special anti-frizz serum, deep condition hair

7:25 AM: brush teeth, blow-dry hair, wardrobe selection

7:45 AM: style hair, gather up my school stuff, check Facebook

8:00 AM: drive to school-no time for b-fast! 

8:30 AM-11:30 AM: classes-i’m an A student! :) :) :)

11:30 AM-12:30 PM: lunch period! sometimes i go to the library to catch up on my studying with my besties, and sometimes i sit with Josh and his soccer team buddies. i usually eat a turkey sandwich, a light yogurt, and a diet coke! :) :) my faves...or sometimes ill have a salad :D

12:35 PM: check hair and makeup in bathroom mirror :O 

12:40 PM: run to class!

12:41 PM-2:30 PM: afternoon classes

2:45 PM: start soccer practice! :) snack on trail mix or raw veggies

3:15 PM: drive home from soccer practice in my shiny new Prius that Daddy got me!

3:30 PM: try on new outfit combos i saw in Seventeen magazine in preparation for my movie date for Josh McWhiteboy.  finally decide on a dynamite babydoll tee and some hott jeanz! :D i got them at Hollister...BEST STORE EVAH! i am a total hollister hottie. i also put on some Dior Daisy perfume...mmm.

4:00 PM: OMG! movie with Josh! <3 im totally pumped. josh offers me some popcorn...too bad it’s os fattening because it is yummy :)

6:00 PM: after Josh tried to go to far ith me in the back of his car, i got mad at ihm. he apologized and said never again...but still :’(

6:30 PM: dinner-grilled chicken and veggies!

7:30 PM: fam time with my little bro and my parents. played Scrabble. 

8:30 PM: do homework :(

9:00 PM: watch The Hills.

9:30 PM: Josh calls, apologizes, says ‘sorry babe, don’t be mad at me.’ i’m not mad. 

10:00 PM: check my FB page again

10:30: check my personal calendar on my iPhone. Txt a few peeps + lay out my outfit for tomorrow. 

11:00 lights out after staring at the Taylor Lautner poster on my wall….what a hottie <3 

what i didn't learn in junior high

so. My four years of incarceration at junior high have recently ended. I managed to get through the entire graduation ceremony shoeless, and my principal didn't seem to notice. just to further demonstrate the ineffectualness of my middle school education, i will proceed to rant about the ills plaguing our public school system today. So:
1. that 'problem solving' crap they taught me in Shop doesn't do shit if one of the steps is interrupted. plus, only the most perseverant (read: hardcore, masochistic) human being would keep going back to square one and evaluating their mistakes. for example: if Jane likes Bobby, and Bobby is madly in love with Barbie, then the logical step is to attempt to sabotage their relationship. But this does not suceed, and the happy couple continue to be together. Jane is so heartbroken she would rather not relive her past 'mistakes' with Bobby, and she goes off and buys a pint of Gifford's Lobster Tracks and consumes it on the town pier while weeping madly into the ocean. so this universal problem solving thing only works in an idealized world.
2. Only about half of the information they gave us about STDs and birth control in health actually sunk in, because the boys were all busy sniggering behind their hands and thinking about getting laid, and the girls were looking away and ignoring the teacher in order to preserve their facade of innocence and modesty.
3. in Shop class they teach you how to make little wooden catapults and flimsy toy cars. real life skills, right?
4. In my humble opinion, if the cafeteria eliminates dessert in order to get students to eat more 'healthfully',  they should also cut back on the peanut butter and fluff (seriously, peanut butter i good, but is fluff even a real food?) and the gratuitous amounts of greasy meat. Especially ground beef. I think they are aiming to wipe out the US cattle population. i mean, what's a poor vegetarian like me to do? i can't subsist on salad! pff.
5. my evil english teacher, the TOTAL STEREOTYPE that she is, completely put her whole class off poetry by making us psychoanalyze,  diagram, and question the motives of every line of verse we came across. perhaps she was trying to protect her innocent young charges from the terrible fate of being an english major and ending up writing ad copy at some shitty advert agency.
6. the Student Council elections are basically a  huge, fucked-up popularity contest disguised as student government. how do i know this? because people NEVER follow up on their flipping campaign promises. ugh. which brings us to...
7. The yearly school fundraiser at Valentine's day. basically, you pay 50 cents for a lame paper heart and a cheap piece of candy, and then the student council will deliver it to whoever you ask. the funny thing is, it's always a bit murky what exactly they're raising funds FOR...unfortunately, this also turns into a huge popularity contest. And inevitably, all the haves end up deluged with construction paper and candy, leaving the have-nots to gape in jealousy.
8. The one good thing about middle school? THEY DON'T HAVE IT IN SUMMER! And i am OUTTA THERE! fuck yeah.

first post.....aka 'the danger zone for bloggers'

Okay, i am now bravely setting out to navigate the choppy waters of what is known as 'the blogger's first post'. Scary, eh? Well, there are many pitfalls. some bloggers fall into whirlpools of 'i cant think of anything to write' and are never heard from again, while others manage to bang out a cliche-ridden diatribe while sitting in an internet cafe eating gooey muffins and sipping bitter coffee. I, however, will try (for the sake of the world wide web) to write an actually interesting first post. So....put down your lame lattes and bland baked goods and read this first post.

Speaking of cliches, has anyone ever seen the classic 'you don't need to say anything' scene? This appears really often in lameass mass-marketed teen movies. Here's how it goes down: two characters (male and female) are sitting in a place that either A) induces some emotion or B) brings back childhood memories. Naturally, they are all alone. they are obviously in love, yet too modest/shy/reserved/doubtful to reveal it. Character A (usually the woman) says something along the lines of 'well, this place is so beautiful/you're so nice/you just told me you love me, and now i don't know what to say' and character B (usually the man) says 'well, sometimes you don't have to say anything.' Cue hot and heavy making out. 

Well, the Chalk Box Heros aims to create a break from all this clichedness (yes, that is a new word) by pulling totally unexpected art-pranks on the (anything-but) sleepy tourist town where we are based, discussing art in all its forms online, talking about our large, polytalented, and Prozac-taking family, and generally lampooning commercialism and commercials in general. More posts to arrive EXTREMELY soon....now will someone please get me a pin so i can pop my overblown ego?